“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
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Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Yup
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
FRED: right
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.