“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”

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I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.


Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here


If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.


If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.


I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.


One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.


*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”


GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?


GOD: Hurricane?


GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.


4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”


Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason