Well, this certainly took a turn
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Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you