Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
こいつ天才
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.