Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
This is the one
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
