Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
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ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what