Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
You Might Also Like
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Otters see a butterfly.