Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

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Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*


Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.


Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow


NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”


Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire


I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.


Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts


The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.


Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me