@bridger_w

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

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@EndhooS

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

@DaddyJew

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

@HRTSMRT

Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow

@mariana057

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

@bridger_w

Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire

@Elizasoul80

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

@blob_of_light

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts

@badbanana

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

@AmberTozer

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me