@TheBoydP
@ch000ch if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
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@ch000ch 
@theshantilly Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
@XplodingUnicorn I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
@Ideal_Victoria Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
@KentWGraham “Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
@quantumsleep22 My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
@Jfficial People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
@Rollmaninoz *Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
@clichedout HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
@TheCatWhisprer They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.