Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

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if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”


Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…


Him: No.


I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.


Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back


“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.


My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.


People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?


*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!


HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.