@TheBoydP

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

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@ch000ch

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

@theshantilly

Me: How awful do I look?

Him: You always look beautiful.

Me: Do I need to put makeup on?

Him: Maybe just a…

*stare*

Him: No.

@XplodingUnicorn

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back

@KentWGraham

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

@quantumsleep22

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

@Jfficial

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

@Rollmaninoz

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

@clichedout

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.