Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
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[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Brilliant!
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch