Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
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[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
goldfish mafia
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]