Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise