well well well, if it isn’t the holiday weight i said i wouldn’t have to worry about
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How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
rest in peas
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you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management