WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
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A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat