Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list