Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
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Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.