“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.