Well well well…
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.