Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
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me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
So inspired right now.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs