Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
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Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?