“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.