“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
this is literally a CIA plant
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Hey i am sexy to you now
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.