Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
You Might Also Like
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Think I pulled my liver
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”