Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
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*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
why would tinder want me to say this
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”