Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
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Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*