“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
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[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Growing up was a huge mistake
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.