[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
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Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.