Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
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i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.