went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
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The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.