@lovemydogduck

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

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@junejuly12

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

@MattMcGruff

Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed

Me- That’s heroin

Officer-…

Me- Want some?

Officer-…

Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs

@DrunjAF

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

@TEXASVETERAN

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

@daemonic3

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

@AlexKaan47

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

@KingRainhead

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss