Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.