*Sees cute barista*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
Never mind. Load it up.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
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Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Me- Want some?
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
I actually love streets
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss