Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
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Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*