Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.


Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.


[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-


*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?


Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste


FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is


“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*


i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play


Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?