Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly

How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

I never judge a book by its cover.

People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?

Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.

4: Mom is at your work?

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

🤣🤣🤣

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing