@CafeinatedBacon

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

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@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

@torrami

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

@OllyiConic

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

@Playing_Dad

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

@newLettuce

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

@ItsAndyRyan

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

@Death_Buddy

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

@PhilJamesson

i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play

@Cornjerker78

Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?