Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

Morning my dudes.

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

Purse Rules:

1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses

2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs

Breaking news:

Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person