Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
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Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
my dog when i have a friend over
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!