Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
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When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day