@Tmoney68

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

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@PettyRuxpin83

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

@SortaBad

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

@RichHarris2

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

@DBMaxP

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

@AbbyHasIssues

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*

@TweetPotato314

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

@SladeWentworth

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.