Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

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I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by


The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken


You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.


Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons


I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.


*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*


[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH


I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.