Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
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mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man