Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.
You Might Also Like
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
In 1978 my grandad tried to get a petition going to change the name of orcas to ‘seabras’ so the government made it illegal for him to ever talk about animals again.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
I’ve had relationships like this
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)