Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.