Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
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The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”