Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
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Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”