Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
You Might Also Like
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Anime is real
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Friends that check up on you >
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER