Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
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I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you