Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
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Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Me checking my bank balance online.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”