Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
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Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
That’s enough internet for the day
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???