Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
You Might Also Like
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
We’ve all been there
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child