Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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cry laughing at this shit
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Yup!
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign