Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
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Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
lol
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
If you want my opinion ask my wife
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position