Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
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To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.