Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
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If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Well, my evening plans are ruined
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
How I’d get arrested…
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.