Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
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This raises questions
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.