Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
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[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Beware of the dog..
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.