Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
You Might Also Like
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
My dad.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.