My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
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There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight