@DevilryFun

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

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@TitansHomer

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

@JohnLyonTweets

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

@sad_tree

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

@RowdyBowden

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

@GinAndJif

Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?

@Smooheed

My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix

@squirrel74wkgn

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.