went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
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I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND